Puro Pedo Magazine

California – On November 27 , 2009 Puro Pedo Magazine received a phone call from a hysterical Chuy Robles, age 12.

Chuy stated, “I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, but when I got to the kitchen Santa Claus was standing right there in front of me wearing sunglasses with a guitar and long curly locks eating the pan dulce y leche we left out for him. I couldn’t believe that Santa was in my house!”

Puro Pedo was first on the scene.

Speaking face to face with Robles and his parents, we asked if Santa said anything to him while he was there. Robles said, “He told me to be ‘smooth’, for Christmas is here, and that he will be watching. If I was good, I would be getting some bad ass gifts and a perhaps a new guitar. He then asked if my mom “Maria, Maria” was here.” It was expressed to us that the alleged Santa, like a black magic woman, vanished in a cloud of smoke.

With the help of our Puro Pedo sketch artist, Jake Prendez, Robles was able to give a full description of the alleged Santa. A sketched visual was placed in front of Robles’ eyes. He said, “I have seen this man before!” With a quick run to his dad’s room, he returned with a CD of Carlos Santana. The face from the sketch and the man on the CD were a match.

Neighbor Patricia Morales said, “I did hear a loud guitar solo coming from that house, but I assumed they were listening to a Santana CD. I love “Oye Como Va…”

The question left unanswered is whether or not Santana Claus exists, and if so, does he only visit Chicanitos?

By Joseph Cortez and Jake Prendez

In a stunning announcement Wednesday, CNN replaced Lou Dobbs with Mexican anchor and conservative douche bag Jorge Ramos. The announcement confirmed Dobbs’ fears that Mexican are taking “our” jobs.

“Night after night I tried to warn the American people that Mexicans were crossing the border to steal our jobs and now its happened to me.”

Dobbs, known for his xenophobic rantings regarding Mexican immigrants, was not please by the announcement. “I had hoped that I would be replaced by Carlos Mencia to ensure my hate-filled message against Mexicans would live on. I am very disappointed in CNN.”

Dobbs is unclear what the future holds for him. “The job market is quite dismal in this beautiful nation. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I hope that President Obama can turn things around. ”

In a written statement, Dobbs confirmed, “There just isn’t a lot of work for a ranting lunatic right now. It seems that Fox News is one of the only companies hiring the hate-filled insane. My resume is on their desk. I’ll be in the Home Depot Parking lot if they want to talk”

Mexican news Veteran Jorge Ramos will begin work at CNN on Monday.

- Jake Prendez

1. El Cucuy checks under his bed for Yaotl at Night before he goes to sleep.
2. Yaotl writes his lyrics in Nahuatl then translates them to English for the album.
3. Yaotl allows Carlos Mencia to live because unlike Texas he won’t kill the retarded.
4. El Plan de Santa Barbara’s original title was “Be Like Yaotl”.
5. It is said that in the tears of Yaotl lies the cure for internal colonization. Too bad he never cries.
6. What you and I call a manifesto Yaotl calls talking.
7. Vicente Fernandez has to drink and sing every time he hears Yaotl sing.
8. Yaotl is the FIFTH direction.
9. Crazy Horse once tried to debate Yaotl. Back then he was known as Completely Sane Horse.
10. Tonatiuh once slapped Yaotl and left a hand print on his face. Tonatiuh no longer has arms.